Struggling to find the right words to end a relationship? It’s understandable, as initiating a breakup is notoriously difficult.

Morgan Cope experienced this firsthand in her early 20s, recalling, “I would get so anxious I couldn’t say anything.” Now, as a psychology professor at Centre College researching breakups, she’s created a clear and compassionate approach to help individuals confidently end relationships without being persuaded to reconsider.

Her “breakup butterfly” script, comprised of five steps, is designed to be both detailed and respectful. Cope advises preparing your partner by giving them a heads-up a day or a few hours beforehand, suggesting a conversation starter like, “Hey, I’d like to talk. I’ve been thinking about some things.” This prevents blindsiding them and holds you accountable. If possible, ensure they’ve eaten beforehand to help regulate their emotional responses, she adds.

Cope outlines the five steps of her breakup script and how to apply them to your own conversations.

1. Say it out loud

Begin the breakup conversation by clearly stating your intention to end the relationship, Cope advises. Avoid ambiguity and directly express that you’re ending things. She suggests phrases like, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,” “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’m unable to be in this relationship anymore,” or “This relationship is no longer making me happy.”

She emphasizes avoiding blame, even in tumultuous relationships, for the sake of clarity. Sometimes, people need to be rejected multiple times.

Practice your opening line beforehand—to friends, pets, or in the mirror—to increase comfort and confidence.

2. “You and I mattered”

Acknowledge your partner and the relationship you shared. Cope recommends saying things like, “You’ve made a real difference in my life,” or “Our relationship has meant a lot to me.”

She explains that it’s crucial to avoid making your partner feel unseen or minimized, especially in longer relationships. Even when ending things for your own well-being—and the other person may not feel the same way—”at least you know you said what you felt,” she says. “That’s for you as well as for them.”

3. The clench

Explain the specific reasons why you want to end the relationship. Cope calls this “the clench,” inspired by the physical sensation she experiences when discussing her emotions. While comfort levels vary, it’s essential to articulate why you no longer want to be in the relationship.

Use phrases like, “I’m not happy because…”, “I’m not feeling fulfilled because…”, or “This is no longer working for me because…” Avoid insults and focus on your own experience, not their flaws. Examples include not spending enough time together, personality incompatibility, or differing visions for the future.

4. Zoom out

After discussing the detailed reasons for the breakup, Cope advises shifting to a broader perspective. For example, you might say, “So for these reasons, I’m ending our relationship,” or “As you can see, this isn’t working for me.”

The goal is to move from specific details to a higher-level understanding, integrating those details and preparing for the conversation’s conclusion. This step contextualizes the breakup and helps prepare you to conclude the conversation.

5. Open the floor

After expressing your thoughts, allow your partner to share their feelings. (Cope notes that this step can be skipped if the other person is reacting poorly.) If you proceed, invite them to speak with phrases like, “Now that you know how I feel, I’d like to hear what you’re thinking,” or “I’m open to talking through your reaction—just know that I’ve made up my mind.”

These five steps can be cyclical, not linear. You may need to reiterate, “This relationship is no longer making me happy, and it’s done,” as some people need to hear it more than once.

Your final words depend on whether you want future contact. If they’re struggling and you’re open to staying on good terms, suggest meeting again in a few days or next week to talk further.

If you prefer no further contact, end the conversation by saying, “I feel like this is now unproductive,” or “I’ve said everything I can say, and I don’t have much more to communicate. I’m going to have to go.”

Cope emphasizes that you have the right to leave. While you aren’t responsible for someone’s reaction, you are responsible for crafting a dignified breakup narrative for both parties.

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