According to Krystal Mazzola Wood, a marriage and family therapist, the key to a loving relationship is knowing how to argue constructively. She advises couples to develop effective communication skills for tense moments. Most people struggle to communicate well when they feel overwhelmed because they go into fight-or-flight mode. Therefore, practicing good communication during conflict is essential for a strong relationship.
Having some useful phrases ready can be helpful when disagreements arise. Experts suggest using specific phrases during a fight to help partners reconnect.
“You’re right about ___.”
Arguments often escalate because couples get caught up in who is right or wrong. People tend to focus on proving their own correctness, which makes the other person feel unheard and defensive. Instead of focusing on proving your point, acknowledge something your partner said that you agree with. This can reduce tension and remind you both that you’re a team, says Mazzola Wood.
“I’m sorry for ___.”
Apologizing for your part in the argument can lead to a quicker resolution. It doesn’t mean taking all the blame, but it does show remorse. According to Mazzola Wood, a sincere apology can soften the other person’s stance. Be specific and genuine about what you’re apologizing for, make eye contact, and speak from the heart. Avoid justifying your actions, downplaying your partner’s feelings, or using guilt trips. Also, avoid insincere apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry, but,” as these can be more hurtful than saying nothing.
“I hear you saying ___. Did I understand that right?”
This technique can shift the conversation from confrontation to connection and understanding, while preventing misunderstandings. Molly Burrets, a couples therapist, explains that it shows your partner you’re not just waiting to respond, but are truly interested in understanding their viewpoint. This creates a safe space for vulnerability. When your partner feels listened to, they are less likely to continue arguing, leading to a quicker reconciliation.
“What I need is ___.”
Being specific about your needs helps move towards a solution instead of dwelling on blame. This could involve stating your expectations, such as your partner taking out the trash on Sundays or helping with the dishes. Mazzola Wood notes that people often expect their partners to read their minds, which leads to resentment. Instead of criticizing or staying silent, providing constructive feedback about what you need can lead to a more favorable outcome.
“It’s not me against you—it’s us against this problem.”
Psychotherapist Steven Sizemore suggests reframing conflicts as a shared challenge, which encourages collaboration and reduces blame. Using “we” language emphasizes partnership and support. This approach promotes healthy communication and compassionate conflict resolution.
“I think we should take a break and come back in 10 minutes.”
During heated arguments, clear thinking can be difficult, and the urge to escape might arise. Mazzola Wood cautions against leaving for extended periods without communication or insisting on resolving the issue immediately when neither person is ready.
Instead, she recommends taking a short break with an agreed-upon return time. This alleviates anxiety without creating feelings of abandonment. During the break, engage in self-soothing activities like meditation or a warm shower, and avoid dwelling on who is right or wrong.
“Thank you for listening.”
Acknowledging your partner’s effort to listen and understand during a disagreement can help you both feel aligned. Research suggests that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one during a conflict. This can include gentle nods, open body language, or comments like “thank you for listening,” which affirm and positively reinforce your partner. Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, and appreciated by their partner.
“Getting back on track with you is my priority.”
Many issues will likely recur throughout a relationship. For instance, differing social needs between introverts and extroverts can cause ongoing conflict. Therefore, it’s essential to develop skills to navigate these recurring issues. Make it clear that your relationship is the priority, rather than focusing on a specific outcome. Remind your partner that you’re a team committed to resolving the issue, which provides reassurance during difficult times, says Mazzola Wood.
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