Augustine of Hippo, in his autobiography, reflects on his childhood, recalling stealing pears for the thrill, cheating to win games, and having tantrums when his desires weren’t met. These behaviors are relatable, but the idea that toddlers’ emotions can be morally judged might be controversial today. The concept that a child’s actions can be bad—mean, greedy, selfish—is often avoided, potentially affecting our parenting.
Anthropologist David Lancy coined “” to describe a Western attitude where children are seen as a separate, highly valued group, shielded from adult judgment, unlike in Augustine’s time. This is evident in the “every child is different” mantra and the encouragement to avoid judging or correcting a child’s behavior to respect their .
We may parent children by their own standards because we view their emotions as physiological stress discharges, beyond normative judgment. For example, —a baby-led trend—suggests , so we shouldn’t expect it. When a child tantrums over candy, the role is to narrate without correcting: “You’re feeling very angry right now.”
This neglects that feelings are linked to understanding, even in toddlers. Fear implies understanding a threat; disappointment, unmet expectations; jealousy, a perceived rival. The meaning given to a situation matters. Telling a toddler they’re angry without explaining justified anger or its consequences deprives them of understanding. It’s like saying, “you are having a neurological overflow right now.”
Attributing emotions like anger, fear, joy, or hope means moving beyond pure physiology. This occurs early as neurological responses become communication, transforming into meaningful emotions. Wilfred Bion, in Learning from Experience, termed this “the alpha-function”: parents transform raw experiences (beta-elements) into meaningful thoughts (alpha-elements) by understanding and responding to a baby’s behavior. This is the origin of thinking and helps manage difficult emotions later.
Emotional understanding—knowing justified anger, showing restraint, respecting others—develops as parents offer understanding through communication. Just as we talk to babies despite their limited vocabulary, we should introduce them to our understanding of good and bad behavior.
Parental neutrality towards a child’s behavior is naive or dangerous. The key question is: What kind of person do we want our toddlers to become? Without this vision, we’ll be chasing the , or our child’s every mood.
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