A greater number of individuals identify as bisexual than as lesbian or gay. Nevertheless, bisexuality is often widely misunderstood, and bisexual individuals frequently encounter numerous negative messages, originating from both heterosexual and lesbian/gay communities, according to Tania Israel, a professor emerita of counseling psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who delivered a. A significant proportion of bisexual individuals do not openly disclose their identity, largely due to apprehension regarding exclusion and the adverse reactions they may face.
The most detrimental and prevalent response Israel observes is the denial of bisexuality’s existence. Upon someone disclosing their bisexual identity, others frequently scoff, questioning their statement or asserting that they must merely be confused. Israel notes that “some individuals will remark, ‘I believe it’s just a phase—you’re transitioning to openly identifying as lesbian or gay.’” Intriguingly, there’s a common perception that bisexual women are inherently straight, while bisexual men are inherently gay. There’s a general assumption that individuals are ultimately attracted to men.
Reasons for the tendency to invalidate bisexuality
Gender continues to hold a significant position in how many people classify others. Israel explains that when someone discloses that gender is not the primary factor in their attraction, or reveals attraction to multiple genders, “that fundamentally challenges the dominance of gender.”
Demeaning and dismissive remarks can adversely affect individuals who identify as bisexual. Israel states, “It is known that when individuals encounter such messages, their mental well-being can be impacted.” She adds, “It can undoubtedly influence their relationship with the person making the comments, and also impact their willingness to share that information with others.”
A multitude of offensive comments
Another category of frequent reactions when someone discloses their bisexual identity involves comments that trivialize the individual to their sexuality or excessively sexualize them. Israel notes, “They seem to imply, ‘Alright, bisexuals exist, but solely for sexual purposes.’” Common remarks include: “Are you flirting with me?” Alternatively, if they disclose their bisexuality to a partner, the partner might interpret it as an attempt to open the relationship. Israel explains, “The underlying assumption is that bisexual individuals are constantly seeking sex, with multiple genders.” She adds, “Another appalling thing people do is ask, ‘Oh, do you want to have a threesome?’ This reduces someone to mere sexuality and is highly objectifying.”
Occasionally, people adopt a different approach: they instruct the bisexual individual to “prove it.” Israel has observed inquiries such as: “Have you engaged in sexual activity with both men and women? Are you equally attracted to both genders?” She describes this as “highly intrusive.” She concludes, “There’s a vast array of awful things people might utter.”
Recommended responses
Israel states that providing appropriate support to bisexual individuals can yield a “discernible positive impact on mental well-being.”
Various methods exist to achieve this. Initially, upon someone disclosing their bisexual identity to you, express gratitude for their revelation and trust. Assure them of your availability to listen if needed, and consider adding: “I would appreciate learning more about what bisexuality signifies to you, as any sexual orientation can encompass a wide range of meanings,” Israel proposes. It can also be beneficial to include: “I recognize the many positive aspects of being bisexual, yet I also understand that bisexual individuals occasionally encounter negativity and exclusion. What has your experience been?”
Furthermore, make an effort to inquire whether your friend has found positive role models and resources. Bisexual individuals often, Israel notes, which can result in feelings of isolation. Organizations such as have branches across the U.S., and the strives to support the flourishing of the bisexual community.
If you do not identify as bisexual, also make an effort to educate yourself on how your friend identifies. This can help facilitate the most supportive conversations possible. Israel explains, “It is not unusual for stereotypes to emerge in people’s minds when someone comes out to them; therefore, if this occurs, there’s no necessity for it to be voiced aloud.” She adds, “It is beneficial to educate yourself—but avoid depending on a bisexual individual to instruct you about bisexuality. Undertake your own research, and you can then become a more supportive individual.”
For guidance on navigating challenging social interactions, email timetotalk@time.com
