Few phrases carry as much arrogance and frustration as “I told you so.”
Jordan Conrad, founder and clinical director at Madison Park Psychotherapy, explains that it feels like you’re reveling in someone else’s misfortune. It’s akin to implying you’re superior or that they’d be better off if they followed your instructions, which is an unpleasant message.
However, there are times when highlighting that foresight could have prevented the outcome is beneficial, but it needs to be done with kindness and effectiveness. Conrad advises considering your relationship with the person and your goals for the conversation. Are you aiming to inflate your ego or genuinely help them learn and improve? If a colleague could benefit from reflecting on their decisions, a thoughtful conversation might be helpful, especially for teenagers, but only if they’re open to it, he warns.
We consulted experts for alternatives to saying “I told you so.”
“I was worried it might turn out this way. I’m sorry that it did.”
This phrasing acknowledges the possibility of a different outcome while allowing the other person to maintain their dignity. Dana Caspersen, a conflict engagement specialist and author of Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution, notes that it expresses your concern and empathizes with their situation. She adds that we’re all prone to errors and our actions are experiments. She suggests adding, “You gave it a shot, and now we know,” to show appreciation for their efforts and encourage future success.
“I remember us discussing this possibility—let’s figure out what we can learn from it.”
Malka Shaw, a licensed clinical social worker, suggests this is a good way to point out foresight without being condescending. It also shifts the focus to solving problems rather than assigning blame. She says it presents an opportunity for mutual growth. If you’re tempted to say “I told you so” to a coworker, consider if you were clear about your expectations. Taking responsibility can help prevent similar issues in the future.
“What prompted you to go in a different direction?”
Instead of asserting your correctness, become curious about the other person’s perspective. Mention that you recall discussing the outcome, then ask why they chose a different path or what they’d change next time. Farah Bala, founder and CEO of Farsight, a consulting agency, believes curiosity is powerful. It offers a safe space for them to acknowledge a mistake and creates an opportunity for learning and improving their process.
“Do you want my help in situations like this?”
Conrad suggests that these conversations are often most difficult with teenagers. Instead of immediately saying “I told you so,” even gently, ask if they want your help in similar situations. This assesses their willingness to accept your input. If they’re open to it, you can say, “I think I can help you avoid certain things, but it’s your choice, like when I suggested X, and it seems like that would have helped.”
“Is there some way that I can talk to you in the future that would make my suggestions easier to hear?
When having a serious discussion with a loved one, such as a child or spouse, Conrad suggests using this question to start a conversation about better communication. Gently mention that the outcome could have been avoided and ask if they want your help in the future. Discuss how to make your advice more appealing, especially for someone who values independence. He adds that you must remember that loved ones will make mistakes and you need to accept that.
“I guess my crystal ball was working when we originally discussed this.”
Sometimes, humor can lighten the mood, but only if the other person can laugh at their mistakes. Shaw emphasizes that you need to know the person and be sure they’ll take it as a joke. If it backfires with a grumpy person, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email
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