Maintaining close relationships can be challenging. If you’ve lost touch, it’s possible to reconnect with effort. Psychologist Jenny Shields notes that many clients express feeling distant from loved ones, unsure how to communicate positively.
To rebuild connections, Shields suggests asking these five questions:
1. “What kind of relationship do you want us to build from here?”
Shields mentions clients who assumed their parents were fine with distance, only to find they desired a closer bond. Discuss your relationship goals to avoid assumptions. Develop a “future game plan” to stay committed to reviving the relationship. Without a plan, good intentions can fail.
2. “What’s one habit you hope we both keep practicing?”
Perhaps you can commit to being less defensive, while a parent avoids unsolicited advice or starts asking questions. Openly discussing specific behaviors “acknowledges the humanity in us,” says Shields. It shows humility: “I don’t always get this right, and neither do you, and sometimes we’re going to fumble.’”
It also shows a commitment to growth, because close relationships are important.
3. “What’s a small, real way we can stay connected that works for both of us?”
Staying connected can be difficult. Discuss manageable ways to nurture the relationship, which may not require scheduled calls. Consider a weekly walk, a shared playlist, or reading the same book monthly.
Choose options that are fulfilling and feasible for both of you, ensuring lasting closeness.
4. “What’s one thing I did this week that helped you feel seen or understood?”
We often try to show loved ones we care, but are we effective? Ask what they value most, suggests Shields, and prioritize doing more of that.
This could involve asking about a sibling’s work presentation, complimenting a parent’s cooking, or offering to babysit grandchildren.
5. “What helps us find our way back when we drift? How can we recognize it sooner, and reach for each other with care?”
Relationships inevitably face challenges. “Life happens, things get in the way, and there will be conflict and tension, because we’re humans,” Shields says.
Acknowledge this, emphasize mutual care, and commit to being present in each other’s lives. Remind them that difficulties are normal and discuss how to navigate them in the future.
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