A poorly chosen question can ruin the entire mood of a family or friend gathering. Some questions are dull, invasive, or overly vague; others aim to provoke—or are asked without any real interest in the answer.

Then there are questions that hit the mark perfectly, livening up the space and bringing everyone together.

“A good question opens the whole room,” says Priya Parker, author of . “It opens a pathway for connection, and creates the geography of conversation from which you can travel anywhere together. A beautiful question is the fundamental building block of conversation.”

She adds that the best questions lead to stories rather than opinions and encourage specificity. They’re also energizing, spark people’s desire to engage, and feel relevant to everyone in the room. “A great question is accessible, whether you’re 7 or 77,” Parker says. “It doesn’t feel like homework or labor, and everyone in the group is excited to answer it—and also really interested in hearing everyone else’s answers.”

We asked Parker what the best question is to pose at your next social gathering.

The Top Question to Ask

Parker views her favorite conversation starters as “magical questions” that turn small talk into meaningful dialogue. One stands out as ideal for year-end gatherings with friends and family: “What three songs would make up the soundtrack of your year, and why?”

Part of why she loves this question is its cross-generational appeal. Imagine the conversations each person’s choices can spark: Your grandfather might wonder who Tate McRae is, while your 6-year-old niece has never heard of Madonna. “A really good question has legs,” Parker says. Songs are deeply shaped by personal and social factors, so the question will “lead to so many other conversations.”

Maybe your sister is in a bittersweet phase and connects most with a Brandi Carlile song, your cousin is in her romantic Taylor Swift era, and your resilient mom has I Will Survive on repeat. You’ll learn a lot about your companions, especially if you ask thoughtful follow-ups: How long have you been feeling that way? What can we do to support you? Why that artist specifically? Have you seen them live? What other songs by them do you recommend? Plus, there’s a built-in chance to reflect on your own year.

An extra bonus: You’ll expand your musical library. “An Indian grandfather might share Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, and it’s like, ‘Who? What?’” Parker says. “Someone else shares Glenn Miller, and then someone shares Scarlet Pleasure, and someone else shares Toni Braxton.”

Fortunately, music is easy to share. You can play each person’s songs aloud on Spotify while you’re together or create a playlist with the group’s selections that everyone can listen to later. “It creates a musical soundtrack for the rest of your time together,” Parker says. “It’s a generative question that’s fun and accessible and has a rich afterlife.”

A Non-Musical Alternative

If your group isn’t big on music, they might appreciate this twist on Parker’s favorite question: “If your year was a book, what would its title and subtitle be?”

“A title forces brevity,” she says. “It gives a vibe of your year without giving the full report.” Of course, asking the right follow-ups lets you dive much deeper.

When Parker has asked this question at gatherings, she’s especially enjoyed people’s subtitles—often laugh-out-loud funny. For example, a book titled My Year As a Mother might have a subtitle like Poop, pee, and the best year of my life or A how-to guide to staying sane.

“They’re just being a little flippant, and it’s fun,” she says.

And If There’s Time Left After Dessert…

Get creative with questions that everyone at your gathering will enjoy answering. Parker, who’s been teaching her kids the power of good questions, was delighted when her daughter recently asked this (potentially sensitive) question at a family get-together: “What’s the naughtiest thing you ever did that was worth it?”

“The adults answered knowing that there were children in the room, but we heard so many stories,” she says. Then her son asked another question: “What’s the meanest thing you ever did before the age of 15?”

“My 77-year-old father, my daughter, and my son and I spent an entire lunch just answering and telling stories and kind of confessing to each other,” Parker says. “A really good question allows you to complicate the individual.” Everyone leaves feeling more connected—not to mention entertained and enlightened.

Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email