Unwrapping a gift during holiday gatherings with an audience can evoke excitement—or anxiety. The gift-giver has probably invested considerable time, money, and careful consideration into choosing it. While you might adore it, there’s also a chance you’ll feel puzzled, insulted, slightly appalled, or let down.

What comes next? An uncomfortable stretch of time spent attempting to manage your facial reactions while searching for the right words.

“Gift exchanges carry significant pressure,” notes Nicholas Schmitt, senior director of conflict resolution and training at Community Mediation Services, Inc., a nonprofit that assists people in resolving disputes productively. In his childhood, his family opened presents sequentially, “meaning everyone watched you as you unwrapped,” he explains. “You couldn’t simply blend into the commotion of others opening their gifts—you were in the spotlight.” This created some not-so-celebratory experiences.

This is why Schmitt recommends preparing yourself by tempering your expectations beforehand. If you anticipate a specific present and receive something else, masking your disappointment becomes much more difficult: “The fact that a box is PlayStation 5-sized,” he remarks, “doesn’t guarantee it’s actually a PlayStation 5.”

We consulted specialists for the optimal response to an unwanted gift—and discovered it requires just two simple words.

The best response…

If you were hoping for a new coffee maker but found yourself with yet another blender, make eye contact with your mother and say: “How thoughtful!” This phrase can significantly prevent wounded feelings while still expressing gratitude for an item that fell short of your hopes.

“That’s an honest remark, even if you despise the gift,” states Thomas Farley, a manners specialist who conducts workshops and keynote speeches on etiquette. “You’re recognizing that someone dedicated time and effort rather than making a half-hearted gesture, and you can genuinely support that comment without feeling fake.”

Schmitt agrees with this approach. He still remembers his early high school days when all his peers were requesting digital cameras. He desired one as well, and a family member came through—sort of. “It had the dimensions and heft of a camera,” he recalls. “I tore open the wrapping, and indeed, it was a camera, but not digital or even battery-operated.” He was devastated, and though he can’t recall his exact reaction, he knows he failed to conceal his letdown. “In retrospect, I should have said something like, ‘This is so considerate,'” he reflects. “‘How did you guess I wanted a camera?'”

Remember that your delivery when expressing thanks is nearly as crucial as the words themselves. “Tone is paramount,” Farley emphasizes. There’s a world of difference between a biting, sarcastic “How thoughtful,” and an enthusiastic, heartfelt “How thoughtful!” Accompany your words with appropriate body language as well—smile, and consider embracing the giver or giving their arm a gentle squeeze.

Backup options

The old saying holds true: giving truly surpasses receiving. Research shows we derive more enduring joy from giving to others than from getting presents. Keep this in mind when responding to a gift: you don’t want to diminish someone’s happiness. “Accepting a gift gracefully offers the giver the ultimate present—the chance to be generous,” explains Yonason Goldson, an ethics authority who operates a firm instructing executives on fostering ethical workplace cultures. “Why would you want to shatter their enthusiasm when they think they’re about to brighten your day?”

Goldson maintains several reliable alternative responses for these circumstances. According to him, each one is truthful while also communicating thankfulness. They include:

  • “I never imagined I’d receive something like this!”
  • “Wherever did you discover this?”
  • “It’s so kind of you to remember this!”
  • “I’m eager for the opportunity to put this to use.”
  • “This is the last thing I would have anticipated!”

Showing curiosity is also advisable. Following a sincere yet gentle first reply, Schmitt recommends transitioning to a supplementary question. For instance, if you receive a sweater that doesn’t align with your typical taste, you could inquire: “What made you think this would suit me?”

After Schmitt’s grandfather died, his grandmother mailed him one of his caps—but not the one Schmitt had anticipated. He messaged her asking why she’d selected that particular hat, and she replied with a narrative about how her spouse had worn it and how it evoked memories of her grandson. “I could have simply said, ‘Thanks, it’s great,'” he notes. “But then I’d have missed out on that deeper meaning.”

Is it OK to ask to exchange it?

Perhaps you’d adore the sweater from your mother-in-law—if it were just two sizes larger. Exchanging it is perfectly acceptable, Farley confirms, particularly if you possess a gift receipt and can handle the return independently. “Sport it during your next encounter, and they’ll never suspect a thing,” he advises.

Without a gift receipt, matters become trickier, though it may still be worth mentioning. Farley proposes phrasing it this way: “I absolutely adore my new sweater, and I’m wondering if there’s any possibility of obtaining it in another size that would fit me more comfortably.”

“Consider the giver’s genuine motives,” Farley states. “They want you to enjoy it and actually wear it. If you can’t because it’s several sizes off, as someone who gives gifts, I’d much prefer knowing that over you staying silent and donating it to charity.”

Speaking up offers an additional long-term advantage. “If you remain quiet, you might be dooming yourself to receiving incorrectly sized items for years to come, all because you claimed they were ideal,” Farley observes. By addressing the matter gently and tactfully, you reduce the likelihood of needing to use “how thoughtful” in the future.

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