Responding to invitations should be simple: accept or decline. However, people often reply in ways that can be considered rude.
According to etiquette coach Jamila Musayeva, the worst response, increasingly common via text, is asking who else is attending. This implies doubt about the event’s appeal and is more offensive than inquiring about the food. Musayeva notes it suggests, “I’ll only come if someone I want to see is there,” devaluing the host’s efforts and prioritizing specific guests over the inviter.
Hosts understandably take this personally, as it suggests a lack of interest in their company and entertainment. Musayeva stresses that this is something you should never say.
If you need to know who will be there, subtly investigate by privately messaging a friend for information, ensuring your inquiries don’t reach the host.
When RSVPs go MIA
Suggesting better alternatives exist isn’t the only RSVP mistake. Vague replies like “Maybe I’ll stop by” or ignoring the invitation put the host in a difficult position and risk exclusion from future events.
Responding with a “no” is a kindness to the host, according to . Clear communication is preferable to uncertainty. If unsure, suggest: “I’d love to come, but I know you need answers. I don’t want to leave you hanging.” Grotts advises observing the friend’s response; they might accept a flexible arrangement or prefer a definite “no” for catering purposes. This ensures mutual understanding and avoids planning complications.
To avoid the frustrating “question mark” response, specify when you’ll reply, even without a stated RSVP deadline. For instance, when invited to a cookout, say, “Hey, could I get back to you on Friday?” Etiquette expert Lizzie Post of the Emily Post Institute explains that this informs the host when they can expect your answer. “You’ve acknowledged it,” Post says, emphasizing that acknowledgement is crucial to being a good guest, even before the party.
Your response reflects your regard for the relationship. Post notes that invitations are offers of shared time. “Even if you don’t want to go, it’s nice that someone wants to spend time with you,” she says.
Post advises empathy and applying the principles of consideration, respect, and honesty. “It’s important to recognize that you would want people to get back to you in a timely fashion, so get back to your host in a timely fashion,” she says. “We should treat our invitations with care, because they’re the start of what connects us. They’re the beginning of the way we create community.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
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